Gang Of Teenagers Hanging Out

Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto/MachineHeadz


Someone asked me how old I was the other day. “48” I replied and then immediately questioned my own answer.
48? Really? It seemed far too big a number! It’s a while since I was a teenager, obviously.
For many, that distance is debilitating. They encounter teenagers and feel paralysed about how to respond or interact, even fearful. I guess we all fear what we don’t understand
It can feel all the more tricky to break the ice with very troubled young people, who are already struggling to trust adults, particularly professionals…

So, remember…

  • Teenagers feel awkward too – any discomfort that we adults feel when engaging with teenagers, is usually shared by the young people themselves. OK, so you’ll get the occasional precocious one, but for the most part the reticence is shared.
  • Value is sensed, not expressed – when someone is a caring person, it puts us at ease. Teens are no different. But it’s not something you say, usually. You just “know.” As we’ve discussed here before, if you “give a damn” about young people, it will come across. They’ll know.
  • Take the initiative – being the adult, you can do this without challenging any social taboos! It’s a power game though, so be sure not to be too “full-on”. Personable, unassuming friendliness goes a long way. Speaking of which…
  • Be friendly – if you can break the ice, go for it. A smile is very disarming – as along as it’s genuine. If you smile a lot and laugh easily, it’ll go a long way to bridging the social gap. People laugh more easily when they’re nervous, so it’s a real winner in this context.
  • Self-deprecation – tricky one this, but worth bearing in mind. Someone who takes themselves too seriously is irritating. Particularly to teenagers. But those who can laugh at their own failings and idiosyncrasies, have the opposite effect. It’s akin to flattening out the power structure. It also makes us more human.
  • Reassure – Teenagers often lack confidence. You can balance this with encouragement and positive reinforcement. Listening hard and making it clear that you’re doing so (head nodding, eye contact, reflection, etc.) is a sure way of helping teens to feel reassured in your company.
  • Honesty – teenagers have a pretty finely-tuned waffle-warning system built in. So if you don’t know, say so. If there’s something awkward to be said, say it.  Avoid the complexities of speaking in professional Chaucerian – going around the houses and using adult terminology. Simple messages are easily understood and confusion is minimised. Most kids are very at ease with what adults call “straight talking.”
  • Make physical contact – obviously if your agency has specific policies around this, stick to those. But a shake of the hand is a good way with boys, I find. Or a knuckle touch with girls. It’s a small thing and not everybody’s preference. But I find it really helpful in building a bridge and humanising the interaction.

Each of us has our own style of engagement. The above will not transform how any of us practice, but they might help remind us of some of the ingredients of good engagement with teenagers.
Relational working is important, particularly for very troubled young people. It’s the starting point of building trust, through which progress on other more sensitive areas can be made…

What do you think?…

  • What are your tips for engaging teenagers?
  • How do you feel about using appropriate touch as part of this process?

Please contribute to this discussion by adding your own thoughts and experiences. You can  leave a comment by scrolling down, or just click here.

Related previous posts…

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 © Jonny Matthew 2013

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