Someone asked me how old I was the other day. “48” I replied and then immediately questioned my own answer.
48? Really? It seemed far too big a number! It’s a while since I was a teenager, obviously.
For many, that distance is debilitating. They encounter teenagers and feel paralysed about how to respond or interact, even fearful. I guess we all fear what we don’t understand
It can feel all the more tricky to break the ice with very troubled young people, who are already struggling to trust adults, particularly professionals…
So, remember…
- Teenagers feel awkward too – any discomfort that we adults feel when engaging with teenagers, is usually shared by the young people themselves. OK, so you’ll get the occasional precocious one, but for the most part the reticence is shared.
- Value is sensed, not expressed – when someone is a caring person, it puts us at ease. Teens are no different. But it’s not something you say, usually. You just “know.” As we’ve discussed here before, if you “give a damn” about young people, it will come across. They’ll know.
- Take the initiative – being the adult, you can do this without challenging any social taboos! It’s a power game though, so be sure not to be too “full-on”. Personable, unassuming friendliness goes a long way. Speaking of which…
- Be friendly – if you can break the ice, go for it. A smile is very disarming – as along as it’s genuine. If you smile a lot and laugh easily, it’ll go a long way to bridging the social gap. People laugh more easily when they’re nervous, so it’s a real winner in this context.
- Self-deprecation – tricky one this, but worth bearing in mind. Someone who takes themselves too seriously is irritating. Particularly to teenagers. But those who can laugh at their own failings and idiosyncrasies, have the opposite effect. It’s akin to flattening out the power structure. It also makes us more human.
- Reassure – Teenagers often lack confidence. You can balance this with encouragement and positive reinforcement. Listening hard and making it clear that you’re doing so (head nodding, eye contact, reflection, etc.) is a sure way of helping teens to feel reassured in your company.
- Honesty – teenagers have a pretty finely-tuned waffle-warning system built in. So if you don’t know, say so. If there’s something awkward to be said, say it. Avoid the complexities of speaking in professional Chaucerian – going around the houses and using adult terminology. Simple messages are easily understood and confusion is minimised. Most kids are very at ease with what adults call “straight talking.”
- Make physical contact – obviously if your agency has specific policies around this, stick to those. But a shake of the hand is a good way with boys, I find. Or a knuckle touch with girls. It’s a small thing and not everybody’s preference. But I find it really helpful in building a bridge and humanising the interaction.
Each of us has our own style of engagement. The above will not transform how any of us practice, but they might help remind us of some of the ingredients of good engagement with teenagers.
Relational working is important, particularly for very troubled young people. It’s the starting point of building trust, through which progress on other more sensitive areas can be made…
What do you think?…
- What are your tips for engaging teenagers?
- How do you feel about using appropriate touch as part of this process?
Please contribute to this discussion by adding your own thoughts and experiences. You can leave a comment by scrolling down, or just click here.
Related previous posts…
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© Jonny Matthew 2013
Just loving this site Jonny keep up the good work!! Some really good practical points.I’d like to add, ‘don’t over use’ street language and local slang, this is seen as trying too hard. I believe this has the opposite effect to making you look cool and approachable.
I also find greeting can really set the scene with YP, often the first few moments can make or break the interaction. As listed I would always suggests pleanty of smiles and a genuine interest in the YP.
Thanks Ang, thanks Rob – you’re comments hit the nail on the head.
I guess the trick is getting the balance right. Banter without excess, straight talk without sounding anachronistic, friendliness without being oppressive… The list goes on. Leaves me thinking how much of this is intuitive to each individual, and whether or not it can really be learnt. Thoughts?
Great post Jonny, only now reading it. I think those qualities can be learned, after all a lot of intuition, is through experience and experience is from learning (making mistakes). I would say, being comfortable with yourself really helps, then you don’t feel the need to try to hard. Keep up the good work and merry Christmas.
Leonne.
You might be right, Leonne. I think there has to be a bit of raw material to work with in order to be really good at this. That said, in order to teach it, there has to be some sense of a “right” way of doing it – which causes all kinds of problems. It can be very hard to predict what will connect with young people – which brings us back to the stuff already raised above, which you reiterate: be yourself, speak with your own voice, be honest, etc. Have a good Christmas yourself, man – and thanks for commenting! J.
Excellent site that is full of useful information. Being yourself and taking an interest in what young people have to say, and engaging in various activities are essential. Being too authoritative and challenging every little thing can make for an unsettled environment, which can trigger negativity, and doesn’t build a good relationship with young people.
Having a sense of humour and participating in appropriate banter, goes a long way to building a positive relationship and trust. I agree with all of your useful tips Jonny, and this site as a brilliant learning tool.
Obviously someone who knows what they are talking about, not another so called expert/consultant. Keep up the good work and thanks for your tips
Hi Ian, Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated! There are many more posts on the website (www.JonnyMatthew.com). Also, I’d be interested to know any thoughts you have about engaging with teenagers – please comment here, as I’m sure others would appreciate your thoughts, too. Cheers, J.
The only thing I would add to the list would be ‘be yourself’ because young people are more savy than most ‘professionals’ give them credit for, in other words they can see right through attempts to be ‘one of them’. when in doubt ask yourself, would I talk to my friends or own children this way?
Bang on Ian! This is a similar point to the one Ang made below – about not talking in a way that isn’t genuine i.e. trying to be too “street”.