Three quarters of children in the Looked After system are living with foster parents.
Foster carers provide this country with an unequalled service.
So why are foster carers not more respected?
(This post also applies to kinship carers, though as family members the dynamic is slightly different)
I love it when I get in from work. I close the door, feel the warmth of home washing over me and flop down on the settee. Lovely!
The rigours of working with troubled children makes the comforts of home all the more delightful.
But what has this got to do with foster care?…
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Condescension…
I’ve seen it dozen’s of times – social workers (and others) not affording foster carers the respect they deserve.
It goes like this:
– Key information about the child’s past or behaviour is witheld from carers
– Carers are excluded from key meetings about the child/ren
– They are not consulted about case decisions
– And when their views are given anyway, they’re not really listened to
– The demands of fostering are not matched by appropriate supports
– Carers pay is not commensurate with the work they do
In short, foster carers are treated as less than professional.
If you want to shout at me and disagree with this – fine. But most of the carers I speak to will be shouting their agreement. And this is about them. Not the rest of us.
Therein lies the problem.
What we don’t know…
I reckon there’s one central issue that keeps many of us from viewing and treating foster carers as equals.
It’s the one thing that the rest of us will never get. No matter how hard we try, it’s one thing that they know, that we can’t know.
[callout]They have the kids they work with living in their home.[/callout]
That’s it. They have the kids they work with living in their home. Their home, becomes the home of someone else’s child.
I’ve never done that. Have you?
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Respect…
You see, foster carers don’t get to come in from work, close the door and crash out. When they get home, they’re in work. All the time.
If for no other reason, they deserve our respect for this.
But because of this, because they live with the children, there are other reasons for us to respect foster carers:
– They know the child better than we do. Always. They see them at all times of day, in all moods, the highs and the lows. We work with the kids. Foster carers know them.
– They care about the kids more than we do. Probably. Let’s face it – opening your home is a commitment beyond what most of us would ever consider getting in to.
– They are more invested in the child’s progress than us. They have skin in the game. They ride the rollercoaster with the child. As a result, they have insight we’ll never have.
These three things alone mean foster carers are our equals professionally when it comes to caring for these children.
More than that. As well as doing their job they can add massive value to help us do our job.
So what should we do?…
Two things:
-
- Change our attitude to foster carers.
- Change the way we work with foster carers.
Here are a few things we can do to:
– Share information – if you know it, is there really a good reason why the child’s carer shouldn’t know it? I can’t think of one. If the child lived with me, I’d want to know it all.
– Ask and listen – consult carers on matters connected with the care plan for the child. Take their views seriously. Very seriously – for all those reasons listed above.
– Defer to them – when there’s doubt about a matter relating to the child, we’d be wise to put more store by what the carer thinks than by what we think. Ditto.
Stuck with what to do with a troubled child or young person? Help is at hand – click here…
Final word…
The best way to level the playing field and afford carers their rightful place as professional equals, is to treat them that way.
They don’t need our condescension. They need a change in the way we behave.
Most of all – when we get this right, the children that we all serve, will get a better service. And isn’t that what this is all about?
So next time you come in from work and flop down on the settee, spare a thought for all those foster carers who, when they get home, are still in work…
What do you think?…
– If you’re a carer, what do you want? What can the rest of us do better?
– Please let me know your thoughts… Leave a comment below or click here.
Related previous posts:
– Self-care for people looking after troubled children…
– Why foster care is the gold standard…
– Why foster carers should have all the information on every child they look after…
– Foster care – agenda for change…
– Fostering & kinship care – new LinkedIn page…
– 10 things foster carers need…
– Myth-busting fostering & adoption…
– Family contact for LAC children…
– Troubled youth: re-writing the ending…
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© Jonny Matthew 2016
Brilliant article, very wise words. I am a kinship carer without a biological link to the three siblings I foster. They were returned to us out of the blue, after two years with other carers. We had had them with us for two years, then had to move for our family reasons, and they were not allowed to come with us. We resigned as carers and then they phoned us out of the blue and asked us to consider having them back and be assessed as kinship carers. Of course, we said yes. This decision was made **in the best interest of the child** – of which we are so proud of our agency for suggesting and following through with. They have been an incredible support to the children and us. The move went smoothly and the kids have settled with us like they’ve never been away. They had had exceptional carers in the two intervening years, and I take my hat off to them – we are good friends with them.
I def believe there are some foster agency workers out there who are doing the steps you suggested for carers – good people who recognise that the carer is on the front lines. We have been proud to know a few of them!
Hi Anon :0) I completely agree! The fact that there is a long way to go in affording carers the respect and fair treatment they deserve, does NOT mean that there aren’t some superbly committed and gifted people around who are swimming against the tide. Thanks for the reminder! Congrats on your situation – sounds like it all worked out well for everyone. Appreciate you sharing it! Cheers, Jonny.
Just don’t lie to us or about us. Don’t put words in our mouths when reporting. Don’t pass the blame to us for your mistakes. Don’t take our honesty about our struggles as a sign that you need to jump in and remove children. Don’t make us complicit in lies to children (I have seen professionals of many kinds use untruths and hard truths to elicit compliance). Be trustworthy so we can encourage our charges to trust you. Sorry for all the dont’s I normally try to use positive language. But in this case these behaviours just need to stop.
Brilliant – very well put, Melody. I take it you’re foster carer? All too often carers are over-blamed and under-valued! Thanks for commenting. Cheers, J.
Yes that’s right. Trauma kids have trouble enough with honesty if we don’t midel it we are in trouble.
Great Blog Jonny, my name is Sarah Anderson and I am the Chair of the IWGB Foster care workers union, I am fighting for exactly what you talk of. As a foster carer of 12 years specialising in the most challenging teens it is so refreshing to read what you have written. Sadly we have been told how ‘respected’ and ‘valued’ we are for ever, and never are, its not something that will be afforded to us without us stepping onto a level playing field with out own rights and independent professional body. We do work 24/7, our children are challenging (and gorgeous) but the biggest challenge is working in a climate of fear, bullied and intimidated by those for who we work. Its really dark out there and carers leaving when we are already so depleated as a workforce. I would love to meet up with you and tell you about it…the ‘real’ it! Take care and thank you, Sarah
Hi Sarah, Thanks so much for your comment – I’m delighted you’re encouraged and feel validated by it. There are those of us outside of foster care who totally ‘get’ how hard you guys work and what a commitment it takes to do the job you do. I think having a professional body is crucial in taking forward the interests of foster carers and the kids they serve – in the end, it’s the children who benefit most. I’m based in South Wales and would be delighted to meet up for a natter just drop me a line (mail@jonnymatthew.com) and we’ll see what we can do – at the very least we can speak on the phone. Wishing you well in your work, Sarah! Cheers, J. :0)
Hi. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.
I am a foster carer.
I was 50 years old when I started fostering and in the almost 7 years since then I have never been able to go home and close the door relax and be the person I was prior. This is hard!
BUT much harder is being lied to and being lied about by (professionals?)
Being invaded, disrespected, questioned, condiscended to and belittled in that which used to be sanctuary from all these things in the outside world.
Hi Lindsey – thank YOU for leaving a comment! I’m delighted that the post was encouraging, or at least that it resonated with you! I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences – sadly, these are not unusual. I was training with foster carers again on Friday and – as is always the case – they had lots to say about the ‘place’ and role afforded them (or not!) by other professionals. It’s all very sad. You guys do such an amazing job and offer most troubled kids the very best chance of recovery available. Please keep doing the self-sacrificial work you do – offering a child a home is such a commitment, but it’s that very message (that they matter) that helps turn things around for them. You may enjoy some of the other posts on this site. On then right hand side of this page you’ll see a ‘categories’ bit – open this list and click on ‘adoption’ you’ll find them there (unfortunately, the website lists the fostering posts under adoption – I think the category is ‘adoption & fostering’ but it only shows the first bit!). Anyway, I wish you all the very best, Lindsey, and thanks again! Cheers, J. :0)